Monthly Archives: November 2012

A Word on “Alternative Medicine”

And try as hard as I like,
A small crack appears
In my diplomacy-dike.
By definition,

I begin
Alternative Medicine,

I continue
Has either not been proved to work,
Or been proved not to work.

You know what they call alternative medicine”
That’s been proved to work?

MEDICINE.”

The above lines are from the “beat poem”, Storm, by Tim Minchin. (If you are unfamiliar with his work, you may be in for a delightful discovery.)

They often come to mind when I read claims by one person or another about “natural cures”, or worse yet, how bad modern medicine is for you.  The vaccine deniers are deserving of special derision, but that for another day.

I had lunch a few days ago with a special friend of mine.  I say “special” because Don and I are members of The Brotherhood of the Balloon, an honorary society of men who have undergone Proton Therapy for prostate cancer at Loma Linda Medical Center in California. (I won’t gross you out with how one qualifies for membership.)

We chatted about many things: hunting, politics, women, and more, until Don’s face turned sad, and his tone somber.  “I buried a close friend a few weeks ago,” he began.

It seems that at the same time Don was diagnosed with PCa, his friend was also.  They spent weeks investigating treatment options, and discussing their findings into the night.  Don, obviously, chose Proton Therapy.  His friend opted for “natural” treatments, including vitamin mega-doses, a special diet, and a “proven” blend of herbs.

That was five years ago.  For the last year Don’s friend suffered horribly, as the once treatable cancer had spread into first his bones and then his brain.  He is not the only victim of such fake claims and misplaced trust, the victims number in the many thousands.  Even rich celebrities fall victim, Steve McQueen to name one.

Don and I on the other hand are cancer free, and have every reason to believe we will remain so. We trusted the best medical science had to offer, therapies subjected to rigorous testing and with years of positive results.

A word to the wise, and all that jazz…

 

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Do Not Miss This Opportunity!

I hereby announce the formation of a dynamic new religious opportunity, Atheists for Christ.tm

Further, it has been revealed unto me that I have been anointed Prophet-in-Chief, thereby serving as the sole source of all AfCtm revelation

Additionally, in-as-much as it has also been revealed to me that Heaven is much smaller than previously thought, membership will need to be limited to only 250,000 on a first come, first served basis.  Of these, only 50,000 of the saved may be males.  (The number of faithful dogs however is unlimited.)

The initial membership donation has been set at $39.95, with an annual renewal and soul-cleansing donation of $19.95.  (Life memberships are available for $199.95) Try beating that at your run of the mill church down the street.

In return for your membership and complete submission to my revelations, you will receive absolutely nothing. 

But that’s not all!  Act now, and as an added bonus I guarantee that all your prayers will be answered at precisely the same rate and with results identical to those you experienced in the Abrahamic Faith of your previous choice.  (Sorry, bonus cannot be extended to godless heathens.)

Since ours is a digital faith, there will be no edifices of worship, no clerics, and no missionaries, meaning that your tax base will not be further eroded, your children will be safe from clerical molestation, and your dinner will never be interrupted.

 Make out your checks today to John E. Shuey and mail to 4457 Young Drive, Carrollton, TX, 75010.  (Female applicants please include a recent photo of yourself in a bathing suit or lingerie.)

 “May nothing be with you.” tm

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